Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. Thank you for sharing. },{ I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. Thank you for this article. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. from their father when they need us both. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. 21. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. It truly has broken my heart. Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. I never realized you could love to much. It's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad and to talk about it and to ask for a hug. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. { If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. We all grieve differently. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: why isnt he here to share this? Its like a phantom limb. },{ Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. This also resonates with me. We all grieve differently. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. There's also the practical side of it. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Does he ever think of me? Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. We dont need another answer, do we? I have had a similar situation. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days its at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. Nothing was ever going to be enough. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. feelings of . I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. I highly suggest a good therapist to help you. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I do hope this improves with time. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. My experience is the same as a husband. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. I am actually the one who left my husband. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. The hurt will never quite go away. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. 25 years gone after her affair. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. Great article!!! D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. Absolutely. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. "text": "Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life." What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. Divorce can be worse than dying. "mainEntity": [{ Friendship is not what I want at all. Divorce Hangover: Pain That Won't Stop Sheila. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. There is nothing wrong with you other than youve not accepted where you are now and let go of the hopes and plans you had when married. I can relate a lot with you. My father died two weeks before she left . } But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. Your ex will find his happy life isnt all he thought it would be.mine surely didnt, but hes stuck with it now. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. Some people are never positive about their well-being. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! My life was unraveling before my eyes. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . The divorce was my idea. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. That was 5 years ago. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. Think Im going to leave her too. Poor Academic Performance I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. Wishing you all the best And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control, I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that its tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at theyre same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it youre controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I shouldve let her have her space and Ive learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully shell know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. the pain is there every day . irritability. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Excellent article. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. Thank God I found this. And sadness. A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. This article really resonates with me. 6-12 years. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. Dwelling on what you should have done. I accept it. I have fallen in love again after my divorce. Sorry, but I needed to share. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. My heart is breaking. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. Why isnt that enough? I would have been able to still respect him. There is so much I can be happy about now. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. we will find a common ground to make it as normal as possible.. Good article! Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. Just an occasional issue with finances. Best wishes to all of us! Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. Divorce is hard on everyone. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. Thank you for this. No tool and not even with time repairs. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. My kids are well. Ultimately, I support her decision. This is the best article I have read on this topic. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. She is the single mother of two boys. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. She is very busy socially and at work. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. A lot of it hit home with me. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. It is just there. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Why rock my boat. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation. I dont believe staying together for child sake. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly I trust in God to get me through until the end. "@type": "Answer", But I wish we never got divorced. Three weeks later we moved in-that was 13 years ago. Village historic. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. I googled this lingering pain. The marriage deteriorated. Some responsibilities need both parental support, and if you have kids, then this is a reason to stop the hurts, take up the responsibilities and support your kids as much as possible to avoid them to hurt from your struggles. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. joanne. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. Ray J . Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . Not feeling your feelings. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. Thank you for this article! And your words resonate. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. 3-5 years. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . The rise of 'gray divorce,' as couples over age 50 split. We are none of us any one thing. I have no support. Not all things cost money that you can do or see! It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. He stopped speaking to me full stop. Ive been struggling with anxiety. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. Keeping the bed. Give yourself time to heal and recover from the pains of being apart. "I think we are done", he says. I did not handle the divorce well. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). Why are you holding onto it? I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. ", It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. Takeaway. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. ", You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. But, I was wrong. Anger: Everything about your ex makes you angry. Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After a Divorce Feeling like a failure. Good article and I will add to it. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. My career has suffered. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership.